Jumbled thoughts once again.

Today isn't a poem or a writing it's thoughts that keep me from writing. It's thoughts about him and how happy he makes me. I truly love him and right now I can't be with him. Yes I'm referring to the guy that most of the poems happen to be about. I guess I didn't realize how much I missed him until I really thought about. It was when he walked back in missing me. At least he had the guts to admit it. Me I was always hiding behind the fake smile that I've perfected over the years. People have a hard time figuring me out because I can hide behind my smile and not cry when everything seems to be falling apart.

He's the one that got away and I keep telling myself that if its true love than he will come back and we will make it work. I listen to music, a lot, and each time I find a song that somehow brings me back to a point in my relationship with him. It makes me miss him even more. I love him with all my heart and nothing can change that. He's my best friend and can figure out with just one look at me and know that something was bothering me. Even when the world was fooled, he never was. He was the one I've felt like I've known a lifetime and I had just met him weeks before we started dating. He's my one. He could always find a way to make me laugh. His favorite thing to tell me was smile it makes your butt shine. I always to smack him for saying that but instead it put a smile on my face no matter what was bothering me.

It's those thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis. Here I am getting ready for the new semester to start and he's not here to tell me that it's going to be okay. He's not going to be there when I'm stressed to give me a hug and tell me "Babe, no matter what happens you are amazing." Yep it's those thoughts that keep me jumbled up and keep me from focusing on my writing. Every time I pick up the pen or sit down at the computer those thoughts come flooding back. I try and hide them. I try and push them aside, but I can't because he's the only one who supported my idea of becoming a teacher. He's was the rock that told me I can do this and told me that it didn't matter what my parents thought as long as I was happy. I miss him and his support.

That's been my thoughts for the last month. I love him and only him.

A battle

It's a nightly battle for sleep
I fall asleep but only for a couple of hours at a time.
I wake up and think about you
I always think about you and your wonderful son
I replay my favorite memories of us
But it's never the same
It doesn't help me go back to sleep.
It just makes me miss you even more
Then the tears come and I finally cry enough that it wears me out for two more hours of sleep.
I get up look at my now puffy face
and think how much makeup will I need today.
You always told me I was beautiful without it
It's what now covers the sunken eyes and dark circles
Eye drops erase any sign that I was crying.
The day starts but not with my once soon to be husband and son
It starts with me alone playing all the songs that remind me of you and us and eating breakfast alone
I go about the day
Fool the world into thinking I'm okay
Inside I'm a wreck
I wonder where I go from here
My heart tells me don't give up
Don't stop fighting
I never have its just life has a different idea for us
I don't know when to call or text
I am your biggest supporter
I always will be my love
I love you and only you